The Tools of Self-Love

Understanding Self-Empathy and Self-Compassion

We have to become friends with our own suffering if we are going to become integrated human beings. 

-Judith Hanson Lasater

It’s the moment of calm before the overwhelm of “Instagram gurus” and TikTok stars spout Valentine’s Day-focused quotes and cliches about self-love and how we must love ourselves.

Yes, loving ourselves in a non-judgmental manner improves our lives, our relationships, our communities, and the world.

Loving ourselves points us to capacities of resilience, compassion, and understanding within that are simply part of being alive. 

-Sharon Salzberg

But I’m resistant to the idea of an influencer suggesting I'm “less spiritual” if I’m struggling with the concept of self-love. I am unwilling to believe I’m unevolved or lacking if I have a choppy day, month, or year. I am unwilling to allow myself to feel daunted by what others say I “should” feel or be.

We’re human, and it’s a human experience to struggle towards self-love when we’ve snapped at our loved ones, haven’t yet washed our hair in a week, or taken one moment to breathe.

Self-love is imperative, so I’m working towards that intention. It’s a journey — one that will have revelations and bumps.

A Roadmap Towards Self-Love

A trail guide of essential steps on our expedition:

Self-Empathy < Self-Compassion < Self-Acceptance < Self-Care < Self-LovThe first step on a self-love journey?

Self-Empathy

Self-empathy is a crucial first step because it offers us space to be a human being. Particularly in glossy, hyper-perfect spiritual and wellness spaces where coaches and leaders push ascension and transcendence, it’s easy to forget that we are all having a human experience — here, on Earth, in this human body. The human experience is rough — it’s wrought with suffering.

So why should we harshly judge ourselves for having a human reaction (fear, frustration, worry, stress) in our very human bodies and minds?

Self-empathy allows us to forgive ourselves quickly — even immediately. It removes the need to judge and criticize ourselves as “good” or “bad” to accept openly acknowledge our feelings, instead.

Let’s Practice

Consider a tangibly observable, irksome situation you’ve recently experienced — think long line at the store, traffic, or using a clipped tone with your partner. Note that an observation differs from a judgment. “Sat in traffic” is a judgement. “My commute was 13 minutes longer” is an observation. An observation is quantifiable or factual. Write it down on paper or make a phone note.

When you have your situation in mind, note how your observation made you feel. Here’s a brief sample list of universal feelings to pull from: agitated; nervous; embarrassed; helpless; lonely; overwhelmed. Write the feeling down on paper or make a phone note.

When you have your situation + your feeling, combine them in this sentence:

How human of me to feel _____ (irritated; frustrated; tense; stressed) when ____ (I ran 10 minutes late; I raised my voice at my partner; I didn’t get an invitation to the party).

Simplified:

How human of me to feel _____ when ____.

Further simplified down to just the feeling:

How human of me to feel _____.

Now, pause and breathe — let your shoulders drop and your jaw soften. Exhale.

Again: How human of me to feel ____.

When we empathically identify our feelings and remove any label of “good” or “bad” — “right” or “wrong” — only our valid, real, human feeling remains.

Rather than getting lost in thoughts of being good or bad, we become mindful of our present moment experience, realizing that it is ever changing and impermanent. Our success and failures come and go — they neither define us nor do they determine our worthiness. They are merely the process of being alive.

-Kristin Neff

How human of me.

Do you also find it refreshing to give yourself space to just be a human being? To listen to your feelings with an open-hearted presence?

When we practice self-empathy, wonderful shifts occur: we can become more self-compassionate.

The second step on a self-love journey?

Self-Compassion

Compassion is a daily practice and empathy is a skill set that is one of the most powerful tools of compassion.

-Brene Brown

Self-compassion provides a softer, more gentle lens through which we can view ourselves. 

We can accept our feelings wholly without needing to change them, attach to them, or identify solely as them.

Self-compassion is a gift available to anyone willing to open up to themselves… We don’t have to wait until we are perfect, until life goes exactly as we want it to… We don’t need to look outside ourselves for the acceptance and security we crave.

-Kristin Neff

Through self-empathy and self-compassion, we can tenderly care for ourselves as we would a treasured friend, first by listening to our feelings and needs with an open-hearted presence, both calm and curious. 

Then one day we realize we’ve grown to like ourselves genuinely — maybe even love ourselves.

Wishing you Valentine’s Day filled with softness, ease, empathy, and compassion. 

Curious about these concepts? This month’s newsletter references the work of 4 experts: Kristin Neff, PhD., Judith Hanson Lasater, Marshall Rosenberg, PhD., and Brene Brown. Sources linked here.